Face my music

Just wanted to try this out... My mic was bad and I didnt have a karoake player(I'd rather not talk about how my voice is!)... Do hear it and post ur comments..Click on the qidget and wait for some time for the disaster to play!

yamunai.wav

The "Missing" mania

The reason why I'm writing this post at some 10:30 in the night when I would generally be crashing is that.. I just want to get this off my mind... I hate missing anything..people, things..anything!! For some people 'missing' is this slightly melancholy feeling that occasionally troubles them.. For some others 'missing' is the craving for something, craving filled with pain, so much pain that you really can't share unless you have someone who'd patiently hear you weeping and not ask a thing... I am one among the latter... Right now I feel so down.... I miss my parents and sister.. Miss being with them in US.. Both combined together is this devastating feeling of being lonely.. Maternal and Paternal grandparents have been extra nice to me.. taking care of my every whim and fancy when all I could do is put up a pretense of being ok.. I hate myself every time I lose my temper with these sweet old people who despite their age, do so much to keep me comfortable... I miss the old me, the brighter more pleasant and sweeter me, who'd never dream of letting the steam out infront of my grandparents!! Last summer, under similar circumstances, I never felt this uneasy.. Maybe coz I had someone to keep me on my toes... I miss that person.. To people who know me, they know who I'm talking about.. For the rest of you.. It’s not really necessary to know.. This someone had spent so much of money and time to make sure I felt good.. Lent me shoulders to weep on.. Scolded me as much as mom would for wasting time before exams.. and cared for me the way a sibling would.. and those 10 cold days.. this person's care was my blanket.. But now I am not in touch with this person.. We've almost become strangers... I don’t blame the person coz I know its just the circumstances.. I miss this person badly now! I miss some bad old days, when I was content cribbing and crying alone in the dark if I felt bad.. Now I seek the attention and care of another person.. When I don't get it.. I feel miserable!! Picking up my phone and searching the three hundred odd contacts, I can put down the names of 5 people to whom I could call and cry, and who would ofcourse listen to me patiently.. But the point is.. Am I not being selfish?? I've done this so many times to them.. They don’t deserve to be agonized by my misery.. So I stop myself from spoiling their moods... That no way clears mine! I don’t know why missing one thing leads to missing so many things.. I've turned crazy.. I've started missing everything I'd almost forgotten.. My old friends, the old house of my grandparents, my old toys..and what not!! And this culminates into an ocean of depression that seems to drag me in.. Only some good sleep and the impending threat of my 5 remaining exams get me out of this for a while!

If anyone is reading this.. your thoughts right now would be.. "Why is she over-reacting?"- I'm sorry.. I just couldn't help it! and this will lead to the question- "Why blog all this crap?"- I know its wrong to throw open my silly emotions in public, but hey, I just felt like standing atop a hill and shouting this out.. I guess my blog would be almost equal to that.. The action helps relieve you, while you dont really care who heard you and who didn't.. at the same time, if some kind passerby does hear you out.. you'd certainly want to say this to them "God bless you!"

Unspoken words!

I've never spoken in some "interesting" conversations in my life the way I wanted to... Just putting up a few..

These are common conversations.. I get to go through these thrice a year atleast ever since I joined college!

Mr/Mrs X: Do you know 'so-n-so' from your coll?
Me : Which year and dept.. uncle/aunty??(Maybe I do, maybe I don't.. and I really don't give a shit)
Mr/Mrs X: Hmmm... IT..no CSE..Not very sure.. Maybe EEE... I think he/she must be in the second..no.. third...maybe fourth year!
Me : Oh! not really sure uncle/aunty.. will try to find out *polite smile* (Hey.. you could have mentioned all the eleven depts in my coll, why even some 20-30 colls in the country.. if you've no clue what that loser does or where he/she is.. then better not talk about him/her)


A relative: So which course have you taken?
Me : Instrumentation ( I know now why you haven't found anyone else to talk to.. Ask the same question everytime you meet a person.. you'll be termed "plague"!)The relative: So how is the scope for your course?
Me : Its pretty good uncle/aunty..(And what if its not? are you gonna get me a job?)
The relative: You should read very hard and save your family's name.. This is the least you could do to compensate for not being a doctor!
Me: :Sure.. I will try my best!(Yeah.. thanks for such a worthless piece of advice...Throw more of these on the ground and they'd become natural manure!)



Another relative: Ah! you are next in line!
(in a wedding)
Me : I'm just 19 uncle/aunty...I've my UG to finish and PG to work on.. Might take another 5-6 years easily! (Next in line?? To what?? Jumping off the cliff? No way)
The relative : That'll make you 25! half a grandma!
Me (clearly uneasy): I guess right now I dont really have any fixed plans.. Just want to finish my studies...Haven't given a thought about all this (Half-a-grandma?? WTF do you think you are you old fart?)
The relative : Good! Get married soon after UG and then go to US with your husband.. See my daughter.. She is now a happy green-card holder!
Me(very uneasy now): *smile*(Get this straight you ass.. I'm still a kid.. I know what I want and when I want it.. Green-card is not my idea of a great life.. I still don't see how you got married anyways! Must have been the greatest tragedy in your husband's/wife's life!)



Some guys can be real jerks...

Jerk: Do you know "some-arbit-girl"?
Me : I guess I know her...
Jerk: What is her character like?
Me: I don't really know her that well (and even if I did.. I dont have to tell you.. So what if she is a dirty,slimy,bitchy low-life?? You are worse!)



Jerk2: You are Y's friend right?
Me : Yeah!
Jerk2: We need to talk
Me : Ok (?????????)
Jerk2: You might think I'm mad... But I'm deeply in love with Y.. I want you to understand that!
Me : Huh?? (I know for sure that you are mad now! Why are you telling me your sob story? I dont even know you!)
Jerk2: You must talk to her about this and make her understand!
Me : *silent* (I will definitely talk to her.. tell her that you are the last person she should be seen with)Jerk2: Please sister.. Help me
Me :*silent*(If I had a brother like you.. I'd have shot him dead myself.. Buzz off!)


Other common orkut questions like "Can we have friendship?".."Shall we friends?" really draw the choicest swear out of my keyboard.. At times I think a basic English course should be undertaken by these jerks!

And this conversation took place recently... I really wish I answered the way I should have!

My parents' friend(hoping to embarass me): My daughter says you know most of the guys in college.. Is that true??
Me(smiling) : She must have been joking! (You must ask you daughter how well she knows this chap 'X'... I guess they know each other pretty well coz I see them hanging around in the canteen and the road side benches very often!!)

The Real You

You always want to see the "real" person that your loved one is.. Its an insatiable quest.. You sometimes ask them "Who are you? I mean the real you!"... I kept asking that too... Till I read the following lyrics and till I experienced a couple of things

Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and
Show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on


Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?


How could we show others what we never see or never admit.. even to ourselves?
If we showed them the stranger in us.. would they accept him/her?

What if they accept the stranger but we still fail to accept that part of ourself? It still breaks the relationship!

So.. I guess the only thing I want from a person I love is to be what he/she is most comfortable in being.. when he/she is with me...

I dont have the need to see the real you... coz reality is something that never exists beyond your mind!
Reality is what I believe is true.. and that really doesn't depend on you!

Discoveries...

I was told as a kid that when you love something or someone.. I should be proving my love every second for all my life in every way I could..

But I discovered on my own that

Indifference........

...........Increases infatuation
...........Diminishes friendship
...........Doesn't have any effect on true love!

I was told as a kid that crying was a sign of weakness....

But now I discovered that

Crying.......

.............is a sign of deep care to the one you love
.............is a harmless release for the pent up frustration and anger
.............is a plea of helplessness to the one whose attention you want
.............is the flag of truce after a fight.. it is surrendering wholly
.............is my own sweet way of saying "I miss/love/want you" when I really mean it!

I was told as a kid that dreaming was one of the greatest gifts given to a child...

But now I discovered that

Dreaming........

............is a life boat given to mankind to escape the cruelties of reality
............is the one place from where all good things originate!
More discoveries would continue in the days to come......