The "Missing" mania

The reason why I'm writing this post at some 10:30 in the night when I would generally be crashing is that.. I just want to get this off my mind... I hate missing anything..people, things..anything!! For some people 'missing' is this slightly melancholy feeling that occasionally troubles them.. For some others 'missing' is the craving for something, craving filled with pain, so much pain that you really can't share unless you have someone who'd patiently hear you weeping and not ask a thing... I am one among the latter... Right now I feel so down.... I miss my parents and sister.. Miss being with them in US.. Both combined together is this devastating feeling of being lonely.. Maternal and Paternal grandparents have been extra nice to me.. taking care of my every whim and fancy when all I could do is put up a pretense of being ok.. I hate myself every time I lose my temper with these sweet old people who despite their age, do so much to keep me comfortable... I miss the old me, the brighter more pleasant and sweeter me, who'd never dream of letting the steam out infront of my grandparents!! Last summer, under similar circumstances, I never felt this uneasy.. Maybe coz I had someone to keep me on my toes... I miss that person.. To people who know me, they know who I'm talking about.. For the rest of you.. It’s not really necessary to know.. This someone had spent so much of money and time to make sure I felt good.. Lent me shoulders to weep on.. Scolded me as much as mom would for wasting time before exams.. and cared for me the way a sibling would.. and those 10 cold days.. this person's care was my blanket.. But now I am not in touch with this person.. We've almost become strangers... I don’t blame the person coz I know its just the circumstances.. I miss this person badly now! I miss some bad old days, when I was content cribbing and crying alone in the dark if I felt bad.. Now I seek the attention and care of another person.. When I don't get it.. I feel miserable!! Picking up my phone and searching the three hundred odd contacts, I can put down the names of 5 people to whom I could call and cry, and who would ofcourse listen to me patiently.. But the point is.. Am I not being selfish?? I've done this so many times to them.. They don’t deserve to be agonized by my misery.. So I stop myself from spoiling their moods... That no way clears mine! I don’t know why missing one thing leads to missing so many things.. I've turned crazy.. I've started missing everything I'd almost forgotten.. My old friends, the old house of my grandparents, my old toys..and what not!! And this culminates into an ocean of depression that seems to drag me in.. Only some good sleep and the impending threat of my 5 remaining exams get me out of this for a while!

If anyone is reading this.. your thoughts right now would be.. "Why is she over-reacting?"- I'm sorry.. I just couldn't help it! and this will lead to the question- "Why blog all this crap?"- I know its wrong to throw open my silly emotions in public, but hey, I just felt like standing atop a hill and shouting this out.. I guess my blog would be almost equal to that.. The action helps relieve you, while you dont really care who heard you and who didn't.. at the same time, if some kind passerby does hear you out.. you'd certainly want to say this to them "God bless you!"